So finally I'm happy with myself and being alone. I've come to terms with my ex and everything. He's with someone new, it was pretty hard at first. Especially since he hid her from me, because she ended up being a close friend of mine. But we got past it. Even though it's taken us quite a while. I'm really happy with things and such. I mean the last time I updated here was in April... and around the end of May I started dating again. I went out with some guys that had been trying to talk to me for a while. And I actually had some really fun times.

I've had a few short flings this summer. And I've decided that no matter the outcome to really have fun with things now. I started talking to a different ex... which is just another whole story in itself. And even though I know nothing will happen with him, it's just been fun.

But I have found someone who truly does make me happy...  but things are just complicated. Well things between the two of us aren't complicated, but everything else (people, people, people, etc) make it complicated. But when I'm with him I truly do feel happy. And it's weird because he is two years younger than me, and so inexperienced in every way. But just being around him, talking for hours and everything else just makes up for everything :)

Sleep calls. Good night

I don’t really know what I’m doing anymore. Recently I thought I had figured everything out. But now I’m having second thoughts, and doubting what I’m currently doing. I’ll explain…

Almost a year and half ago, one of my best friends and I had kind of a drunk hook up. Well I was drunk and he was sober, and he initiated it. After that it was kind of awkward, cause I wasn’t sure if I had dreamt the situation or if he was just pretending it didn’t happen. So I forgot about it, or tried to and started seeing someone else. That’s when he, we’ll call him T, got mad and I finally realized that I hadn’t dreamt it and that it did happen. So we had this on going thing, where we would hang out and not talk about it. Then finally a couple months later I got sick of him not making any moves and I did it myself. We kind of started dating… it was complicated (of course). We never really went on dates or anything, it was more of the same friendship only now we slept over at each other’s places and we more intimate. Things got more complicated as people got involved, but overall I always felt more whole when I was with him. I felt happier and things just always felt right.
But it always seemed like I could never do anything right, but that I was the one always doing things. Ok I’ll admit it I was a bit… ok a lot codependent. Like I would change myself to try to make him want to love me. Cause I knew that I loved him and I thought that maybe if I did things for him or if I was a certain way that he would love me back. But most of the time I was just left disappointed and hurt. And in the end he didn’t feel ready for a relationship so we broke it off. But we still would hang out and hook up, I kind of used sex as a form of love in this situation. It was extremely stupid (trust me I know), but the times when we were together he really did make me feel special, I do still think that we there is something different when it’s just the two of us. But both of our friends started to get more and more involved, and where I was once ok with things, my friends would convince me that I was not. So I become slowly more and more unhappy over time, until there came a point where I think I cried almost every week over the situation. I just felt pathetic and stupid and worthless. And when his friends were around he would get super awkward and just look at me, cause he doesn’t deal with emotions well. And then we would try to work it out between the two of us but it usually didn’t go anywhere. So we left it as an open sort of a relationship. We weren’t exclusive and he’s not the type of go out looking for someone new, because he’s very into his career and school. And he’s rather have a good night of sleep, than a crazy insane night of sex.
So I finally started talking to a friend of mine. And started going on dates, because I felt like I was slowly losing myself. And I guess I hit a few rebounds, but they were just rebounds and didn’t last for more than a few weeks and didn’t go past maybe a hand hold and a few kisses. Until I started talking to a guy I knew back in high school, he’s very attractive, sweet, charming, all-of-the-above type of guy. We’ll call him A. And A showed some genuine interest in me, so I decided after another one of those going-no-where talks with T that I’d go out with A. We had a very chill night of watching movies and cuddling and etc and I seriously felt on top of the world. He made me feel like I was the only girl in his life, the way he looked at me and would just smile, melted my heart. A and I hung out a few times and then I told T about A, and that I wasn’t sure that we should keep up our on going non-relationship. And he agreed, and we talked all night and I cried and he held me and even shed a few tears.
After that I felt so much better, like this weight had been lifted. I felt so much happier and like better and stronger person. I’m not sure what it is but ever since that talk with T, he’s been so much different; more attentive and caring, like he’s actually trying to change or something. And I haven’t seen A in a little over a week or so, and I’ve seen T almost everyday just cause we study together and he still is my best friend. But I’m not sure if I miss T cause I haven’t seen A or if I’m trying to hold on to something cause I think that there is hope cause of T’s actions lately. I want to move on and be happy with A, but I cant help but look back fondly on things with T.

Have you ever felt this way? Unsure about moving forward or turning around and running back even though you know you shouldn’t?